?Where the fuck are they?
Freeze it, assholes.
I.C.E you are under arrest!
Stay down.
Immigration?
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck does it look like?
Get your ass on the ground.
Sweetheart,
I lives wherever the strapped dick you rode in on.
Don't call me sweetheart.
Move and I'll blow your brains out.
You can't! You're not in your jurisdiction. We are the god damned Military!
You are selling military weapons to the Cartel.
Did you really think, that they're gonna pay you?
You are lucky, we got here first.
- Osa quererte.
- About God damned time, you fuckwads were supposed to be waiting.
Save this two for me.
I know you.
You are Machete. Enemy of the cartels.
Its my lucky day.
A man who kills a legend..
becomes a legend himself.
Let's go in.
No, he said quererte.
This guys didn't come here for just couple of used M-16s.
- Let's go, it's aborted. - You're the one who taught me that the law and justice
aren't always the same thing.
We gotta stop 'em.
Oh Shit.
I wish, you hadn't seen this.
That's quite a resume you got there, Taco.
I mean, one might consider you'd be a bit of an over-achiever when it comes to killing people.
I bet, you consider yourself- a mean bobber scooter, Don't you?
Specially now, we got 24 Cartel boys laid out in pieces all over my desert.
Well, I got News for you..Taco.
They were the reserves,
They's the (?)
They're the red-headed Mongoloid runs. Los Querpos.
Los Querpos don't take kindly to strangers disciplining their own.
Can I get an 'Amen' on that, Clebourne?
- Amen, Sir.
See, here is the bad news for you Taco.
I never wanna place a vigilante on this parts.
Since, you just killed yourself a federal officer..
I'm about to have me and mine,
A hog-killing good time.
I didn't kill her.
Tometo..tomato.
Let's not get hung up on the details. Shall we?
Drop him, Clebourne.
I'll be god damned.
They say, he doesn't die..sir.
He's been shot..
Stabbed.
Doesn't ever die.
Bull fucking shit,
This Pedro has got a thick neck, that's all.
Sheriff, it's for you.
Damn sure ain't the governor.
It's The President.
Yeah?
Of Course, Mr.President. Yes, Sir.
This is Machete.
Custom subs by Klick3R, R5-sync by andyswe
South West Wing.
Machete.
Welcome to The White House.
Good thing we got you, when we did.
Southern hospitality can be a bitch.
- Why am I here? - Right to the point.
I like that.
No, bullshit.
I'm a bit of a no bullshit guy, myself.
So..
all bullshit aside...
- Get someone else.
We need you, Machete.
We got a situation in our hands.
There's a revolutionary south of the border name, Marcos Mendez. You've heard of him?
He is..he's crazy. He is out of his mind.
He's got a missile, aimed at Washington.
He says, he is gonna blow us up, if we don't invade Mexico
Clean up the Cartels. Stop the violence spreading across the country.
- What's that gotta do with me?
The basic violation of Sovereignty aside;
We can't take the bait.
However, you know Mexico. Hell, you are 'Mexico'.
I want you ahead, make cells..
Find Mendez..
and just, check him out.
But if, what he is saying is true...
Kill him.
- Not interested.
Motherfucker, i'm not asking if you are interested.
I am the President of United fucking States, Man.
- Machete don't smoke.
I could just as easily, send you back to your pals.
Hang you high in Arizona. The way i see it..
You ain't got much to chew on, Hombre.
You know, what this is?
Your criminal record.
Do this for us...
it's gone.
Your past no longer exist.
I'm making you 'legal'.
You don't have to sign on anything, raise your hand and non of that shit.
I just stamp this bad motherfucker...
You are now, an official citizen of the U.S.A.
I just saved you from your noose.
Save me from mine.
Do it for your country.
Your new country.
Isn't that what your dead girlfriend would've want?
Agent Sartana.
If you don't wanna do this for me, Machete.
Do it, for her.
Your contact is in San Antionio.
She'll brief you, and get you across the border over the wall.
Your nation owes you a debt of gratitude, Machete.
Go kick some ass.
Ladies and Gentleman.
El Ray's Network very own, Miss Texas Pageant Presents-
Miss San Antonio.
What do I believe?
I believe in the word 'equality'.
I believe in a woman's right to choose.
Choose what? A snow cone if that's what you're in the mood for.
I believe in a good barbeque, the two steps..
and the right to carry a gun.
World Peace? Sure, why not?
But if you really wanna talk about World Peace.. we have to start by tearing down
that wall, that's seperating us from Mexico. That wall -
only enables us to ignore the violence and injustice
that is occuring down there. Thus, making 'World Peace' nothing more than a beauty pageant pipe dream.
God Bless, Texas.
You must be Machete.
Blanca Vasquez, call me Miss San Antonio.
I'll be hand delivering the directions of your assignment.
You didn't do a stitch and i'll be the one who know what's what? The who's who.
the where's where.
entiendes?
Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hair spray.
It's part of my cover.
What happened to world peace?
Fuck world peace.
Import carbine long range.
With reflex sides ..
Customised trigger.
Fast enought to drop jack rabbit on roller skates.
That is of course..
If you happen to come across jackrabbit on roller skates
or my personal favourite..
The grab fire.
Fires upto 30 yards. Good for when you've got to scratch those hard to reach places.
- I like this. - I like your style. Low tech.
But this ain't your mom's hand gun.
Consider this as Swiss Army knives Machetes.
Machete.
Tell me about Mendez.
Marcos Mendez is the most sicken twisted fucking bastard
if've ever have to keep my tabs on.
People down south calls him Marcos 'the mad man'.
He used to run with Los Quertos.
Till, one day..he wakes up and decides
he's gonna turn on the cartel. Funding from the people.
We figure he is laying in the jungles and marsh lands
but our Satellite cannot pinpoint him.
Our only lead is this prize winner.
Working girl. Goes by the name of Cereza.
You find her.. you find Mendez.
Where can I find her?
In Acapulco.
With confirmation address linking her to brothel in dust city.
Ah..uh ah.
First..
I might need something from you.
See..even here. People talk about 'Machete'.
The man..
The Myth.
The Legend.
I just wanna know the legend, inside and out.
I just lost someone.
Why don't you let me turn that bad upside down, Papi.
A lot has changed since then.
Acapulco is the war zone.
I'm dropping you right in the middle of it.
Here.
Direct line to yours truly.
If you need to you just press # and phone home.
For calls, text..tweets.
Machete, don't tweet.
You do now.
Ready for this?
Alright!
For all of you new girls..
It's special 'Pussy Tuesday'.
Keep your panties dropped on your legs spread and your snatch well oiled.
Cos your not walking any straight lines tomorrow.
Cos you know, every jerk off
low life from this side of your grande
is gonna barge through that door
as soon as the sun comes down.
So, get em off and get them out.
And ladies, every stiff
pecker partners pays to play. No freebies.
Those are house rules.
Throw on something. In five minutes.
You are early, handsome.
But then, again...
the early bird gets the fresh head.
I'm looking for a girl.
- And i'm looking at a guy that came to the right place.
Pick your poison.
This is the one, I want.
Why this one?
The best in Mexico.
Have a seat on the couch, Sugar boy.
I'll go fetch her, for you.
Where is the girl?
Upstairs.
Room 6.
But don't go. You'll miss the big show.
Kill him!
Who the fuck are you? - Machete.
I've heard nice news of you. You want me to get something?
Take me.
Now.
I said, No freebies.
You know, the first thing we are taught is how to defend ourselves.
Anyone of us could've killed you.
You think my mom had fight?
Mendez is gonna cut you like a Gay man.
- That was your Mother?
You are here to kill him, aren't you?
Look, don't be a fucking hero man.
Mendez is many things. But, merciful is not one of 'em.
He will skin you alive, if you lay your hands on me.
I am his 'Cereza'. His Virgin.
Mendez isn't who you think, he is.
The terrible things he did. He did it for perfectly greater good!
What he truly wants, is a better Mexico.
Mechete, you have to promise me.
Spare his life.
And help him.
Please, Machete?
If you've ever loved anyone.
You would understand.
Do nothing. Say, nothing.
I'll handle it.
Who is this?
He's a bodyguard.
Mother's orders. Go ahead, Zoren call it in.
See, here's the thing. He's lost his mind.
There are two sides to him now.
Somedays, he is Mendez - The Revolutionary fighting for the people.
In other days...
He is Mendez - The Mad Man.
Relieving his Cartel glory.
Its a toss up, which one you are gonna get.
So, he'll either hug you or he will kill you.
His condition gets worst everyday.
Boss has a message for you, Machete.
End of message.
Look..what the little whore dragged in.
Machete Cortel!
Yes, i've heard your story.
People still sings songs about you.
Raise your hand...! If you've sung a song -
about our friend, Machete here.
The only son of a bitch needs praise a song around here,
is me.
Tell me, Mahchete..
What did you think of my Cereza?..heh
It's a shame, I had to let her go. But, by bringing you here...
She betrayed me.
She was trying to save you.
You know what this is?
This is the end of my I-plan to fire off the ass of the united states.
Why Mendez?
Cos our people don't need songs or stories.
They need 'action'!
There is other ways.
The motherfuckers run this country.
The corrupt politicians..
The media hiding the truths...
The Cartels..killing anything and anyone who stands in their path.
The U.S -
is responsible for a lot of these.
Since, they will take care of their part of the problem;
We will send our part of the problem, to them!
You are crazy.
I know why, you are here, Machete.
You work for the enemy now, huh?
I got news for you, Cabron.
Killing me ain't in the card.
Cos I am, the king fucking wrath
of Mexico, Motherfucker.
Thanks to my good Doctor here.
The missile's launch system,
is linked...
right into my heart.
So, if my heart stops beating.
Washington will become the bright shining light, we always thought it was.
I'll disarm it.
There is only two men in the world who knows how to do that.
Correction- One.
Who's the other one?
The one who created this beautiful device, of course.
Since, he lives in the U.S
I'm afraid you are fucked.
You have failed.
Machete, don't fail.
What you gonna do? You wanna kill me?
I ain't gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your men.
Steal your chopper and get you over the wall.
- Leave him to me.
Find the other one, who can disarm you.
Shoot me!
Let me take care of him.
Please.
Even if we get out of here alive, my men are instructed to put a bomb through my head.
Ten Million dollars.
The best part is...
Fail safe - my ticking heart. We just went live.
We got 24 hours my friend.
That 10 million dollars, if the assassins don't get it..the cartels will.
- Yeah? - What's the status?
Is he dead?
I have Mendez in custody, in the chopper.
He is alive. - Wait a second.
Machete..
What's this i hear about you having Mendez in custody?
- Thing's got complicated. - No shit.
You were supposed to take him out.
not give him a joy ride, and get him some lollipop.
Damn it! I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion.
Machete..Kills!
That's what he does.
He doesn't save..the bad guys.
Now, shoot that Motherfucker!
- If he dies, you die.
The Missile's wired to his heart. - Come, come again?
- Machete, can it be disarmed? - Only, where it was made.
- Voztech. - Voztech is the biggest weapon supplyer to our military.
You wanna bring him back all the way to the fucking manufacturer?
I need your help getting him across the border. This part is upsetting me.
- I'm feeling it. - Not happening.
The last time i sent a black ops team into Mexico, they got dead and i got the Oval Ass fuck.
You are on your own, Machete.
We cannot help you, until you're out of Mexico, You hear me?
Now, get the hell out of there, As fast as you can.
Machete, double time it to the border. I'll assist you as much as possible..
But you've got to move your ass!
What happened?
You don't remember?
I'm in this condition, I am afraid..
I seem to switch my personality, unexpectedly.
- You tried to kill yourself.
You strapped a bomb to your chest.
The fail safe defense are
already in motion.
I am Marcos Mendez.
Leader of the revolution. And you are?
- Machete.
- I've heard of you. People sings songs about you.. - We've had this talk already. C'mon, get up.
- I didn't hurt anyone, did I?
You had Cereza Killed.
aaah..
Then, i must..
i must die.
I'd lay down my life, for the cause.
And if you choose to be in my company,
I fear, you will become a casualty as well.
Come on.
You should've kept up with your spanish there, son.
Sounds like, we maybe able to string up this Piņata after all.
Let's get on it, Clayborn.
You wouldn't happen to have a popsicle to stick up my ass would you?
A martini...extra dirty.
..two olives.. - all we have is tequila and chango.
Right.
For a moment there, i forgot i was in the blackhole of sophistication,
Chango it is.
Although, your new selection of mexican beer is not what brings me here.
- So, what does? - You do, Carlos.
But it can't be.
They say, you don't have a face.
They say, you don't exist. - I may not exist...
But this gun, does.
You don't have to do this.
You can tell whoever hired you, that i'll give back the money...
- This isn't about the money, Carlos. It is about my employer...it's about ethics.
Now, if i don't shoot you square in the face, I will be violating a...
contractual obligation and all that...
'Don't' beg emotional confrontation makes me very uncomfortable.
How much for the chango.
- fifty cents. -I'm gonna give you seventy five.
Do you have a change for a dollar?
I don't know where the hell we are.
Excuse me?
We are a little lost.. any chance you could steer us to Leon?
I could.
The trouble is.. you've seen my face.
And I have just changed.
I'm truly sorry, Ma'm.
It's just a matter of time and place, not being in your favour.
Man eater.
That's what they used to call me when i was just little girl.
I didn't know what that meant.
That never stopped my daddy,
coming into my bed after a night of drinking.
So, one night...
I gave him what he deserved.
I chewed his balls off with my teeth.
The next day..
I went to school with pieces of him, still in my braces.
I became what he always said I was.
A Man eater!
I despise men, I can't trust them.
And that pussy clouds their minds.
And now my little Cereza lays dead
Because of that reason.
And that's where you come in.
Just a random selection.
And that you might be,
You still remind me of my own Papi.
Madam?
-Yes? - We found them.
Mendez and Machete.
- Bring me my Double Ds.
Gather all the girls.
We are going to avenge.. my Cereza.
You read my mind, Machete.
Yes, yup yup. This is the perfect place for my last meal.
Give me and my friend here, a plate of your finest Cabrito.
And..
give us some bread and wine too.
Thank you.
See, Machete..
You are the only one, who doesn't want me dead.
What the hell are you doing back in Mexico?
Your federale brothers were very upset that you abandoned us in the heat of battle.
I heard you moved to The U.S cleaning rich people's pools huh?
Put the gun down.
He is a murderer.
He killed 13 Federales, in cold blood.
13 crooked Federales.
Buried in Quertos pocket.
How the fuck would you know that, Puto?
- I was undercover.
- an agent.
There's no agents in Mexico.
- Last and only, super agent.
Give me one good reason, i shouldn't shoot him like a dog that he is.
If he dies, thousands in Washington would die with him.
- And if he lives.. how many more would die?
And why help the U.S?
- Cos, i'm the only one who can.
- You were always a sensitive one, Machete.
- Wow, hoah..bloody hell! It's a Mexican Stand off.
I am taking him in. - Oh, really where?
You will trade me, straight to the Cartels.
Machete, this man is a dirty cop. - Shut your fucking mouth!
Shut up, Loco.
- You shouldn't have said that, Amigo.
Because if you call me loco-
Than i'm afraid..
loco is what you get.
- Hello again, Machete. - Say one more word...
Make sure you better make it, Machete.
All you have to do is pull the fucking trigger, Come on.
See Machete..
Justice and law, are not always the same thing.
What the fuck is going on here?
Look at me, top scores.
Forgive my excitement, but i'm just learning to speak Spanish.
Not by choice.
But i can't get the CD to change for the life of me.
Fuck it, When in Rome, right?
I'm trying to find a place call.. Villa Gerrero.
Perhaps, you've heard of it?
You haven't heard of it? or No se..you don't understand the question?
Un momento?
Allow me to use more useful illustration.
I'm really trying here.
And if you say 'No Se' one more time, i'm gonna put a bullet in your brain.
Out of sheer frustration.
Now, Villa Guerrero?
Your sense of direction doesn't inspire confidence in you.
Allow me to translate.
Damn!
I was just starting to get used to this face.
El Doctoro?
Get the fuck out of here, I'm performing surgery.
Put him in the bed, there.
Where are they? - Still inside.
Okay, i need you to check the rear.
Machete!
Come out and play.
What's the hurry, Lover boy.
Ugh..disgusting.
So, i'm still alive.
Good for you Machete. Good for you.
Is this the crazy you, talking?
I can't continue living my life like this.
- You used to be Cartel.
And then, you became a revolutionary.
- Why? - I was never Cartel.
I was a Secret Agent, for the Mexican Government.
My mission,
was to infiltrate Los Querpos.
I had to see things..
I had to do things.
Had to watch people die in the worst way you can imagine.
Compromising the only thing i believe in.
I became one of them.
I remember, calling my supervisor; telling him that i wanted out..
I wanted my life back.
But i didn't know he was dirty.
That he'd been bought by the cartels.
They took me to a killing room.
With my wife and daughter there, waiting.
They made me watch.
First they beat them. Tortured them.
Then, that's when..
The Mad Man took over for the first time.
My wife and baby girl died b'cause i trusted our system that did not exist.
I realised then, If i was to change Mexico
I must do it myself.
I started my own revolution against same reason motherfuckers
responsible for this violence.
I will die to see it through.
The real tragedy of all this is that
people would never know the real truth about me.
How about you? Does anybody know the real Machete?
Where is your partner? Every guy has a partner.
You couldn't give up the life, can't you?
Think about it. How old are you?
In your line of work...
Why have you lived so long?
Partners knew about self sacrifice..
for the greater good.
Not you, though.
You know what you are?
Vengeance.
You are vengeance.
A vengeance never dies.
We will never make it to the border wall with this piece of shit.
We need a stronger vehicle. An armored vehicle.
I know where we can get one.
Small town near the border.
There's a chop shop there.
Once he crosses the border.
We can move in.
Come on.
Come on, we gonna cross the wall or what.
This is a cartel turf, you let us right to it.
Shhh.
Looking for a ride.
Well, this lane.. you're best off fucking rent a car.
This is all custom works.
I will do as he says, Grasa.
Well, look at this.
Marcos Mendez
in the flesh.
This will do.
No shit. It will do.
That baby is my fucking masterpiece.
You could take it to a mine field with flat tyre.
You aren't gonna shoot a man in a wheel chair, would you?
- No.
Hola, Motherfucker!
Hey there, loverboy.
Hey there, give them hand.
I've got a special package for him.
Killjoy...
give me my strap on.
Ho..ho ho! Fuck Machete..
You're crazier than I am!
Machete, what the hell are you doing?
- Is there other way? - There's no other way..
that's why they call it a wall.. goddamn it.
Take 'em away.
See that frigging tag under the wall,
drive us straight through it.
The heat is to the other side..
Hit it.
We made it.
Well, sweet Isabel.
I think we just hit a fucking stroke...
Beginner's luck.
Running into you again, Taco.
You know, you and your compadre are going for about 10 million buck to rooster head.
I never understand anything about Algebra..
That is a..shitfire..
fuck me..Halleluijah lot of Money.
I think, we ought to take advantage of your lucrative predicament.
Get ourselves to squares.
No distractions, this time. Right, Clebourne?
That's right, sir. - Alright then,
Sayonara Taco.
Special Agent, Mendez.
How many of you are there?
- Sorry, that's classified.
And who is this?
My wanted party.
You didn't think, it would all be over once we cross the border did you?
Who do you think got me into Mexico, in the first place?
There's a great conductor behind all this.
Why re-elect President Rathcock?
He dished out 6 Million dollars on tax payers money to space technology company
like Voztech industries.
He build a wall to protect us from the thread of illegals.
He took a stand and defended our second ammendment.
with a vengeance.
And to boost our national economy to an all time high...
He made marijuana legal in 48 states.
My fellow Americans...
It's been a groovy four years.
There are still so much left to accomplish.
For me, winning.. was only the begining.
Re-elect Rathcock.
A name you like, A face you can trust.
Don't worry Mr.Cortez
You haven't fail your Mission, Yet.
- Where am I?
- Recuperating in my subjuest healing pool, right now..you like it?
As you can see, our friend Marcos Cortez is still...
very much alive and ticking.
Which makes him still very much,
a threat.
It needs to be disarmed.
You don't know what you're dealing with. - Well, Actually I do.
I invented it. Allow me to introduce myself..My name is
Luther Voz. Let me admit..
i've been following your career for quite some time now.
I am tremendous fan of your work Mr.Cortez.
As an afficionado of ' The arts of War' myself;
I just gotta say that, you're one genuine article
Genghis Khan of My caliber. Fucker, people lover.
You are a warrior Mr.Cortez.
A killer. A survivor.. llike me.
Just try to relax. I mean, if i wanted you dead..
you will be fucking dead.
Are you gonna disarm it or not?
I'm leaning towards not.
But that all very much depends on you, Mr.Cortez.
You sold Mendez the Missile.
No.
I gave it to him.
But then, i've given a lot of bad things to a lot of bad people.
But that does not make me one of them.
Get dressed, Mr.Cortez.
Allow me..to try and convince you.
I'll turn my back.
Welcome, to The Voztech.
The world's premiere space technology..
and weapons manufacturer.
You know, Time Magazine once called me...
Merchant of dead. With an assembly line.
But one very special day,
I began to think bigger. And now..i've turned science fiction
into science reality.
And this...this is where we conduct our training exercises.
for what?
Our exodus.
When NASA asked me to build them a new state of the art luxury space station...
I luxuriously told em, to fuck themselves.
Why you ask?
Well, i've already told one of my young,
It's already up there right now. Just floating the fuck around,
waiting for me and my people. To inhabit it.
In fact, Mr.Cortez, - Machete.
Incidentally, Machete
I plan on moving into my new space pad, very very soon. Im very excited.
Here, have a heart.
What about the heart?
Well, that's why i'm relocating. Climb aboard.
Tanks, Missiles.. bread and butter.
These are simple things, to fund my out of this world, enterprises.
Why Mendez? - Why?
Well, Bin Laden is dead. And America has always needed it's boogy man.
So, i created a new one.
Yes, I supplied Senor Mendez, the fireworks.
But given Mendez aptitude for the unpredictable.
I left behind one of my man to keep a press of his process or
lack there of.
What's your plan have to do with me?
I have high hopes for you, Mr.Machete.
Higher than you can mentally ascend to.
Space ship? - Technically speaking, space shuttle.
Not to mention, my legacy.
It all started about six years ago.
I privately funded a sub orbital launch.
I went up, Myself.
Yeah, i'm something of a thrill seeeker back then.
Before, what i like to call The Incident.
I was up among the stars
and something inexplicable happened to me.
I saw the future.
I saw the world ending.
It unfolded right before my very eyes.
That's why, i build this.
We'll board it.
Me and anyone who wants to join me.
We will take the flight.
And when Kingdom comes...
as it truly will.
We will be safe amongst the stars.
Noah had his Ark.. i got mine.
You really believe that?
I believed what i've seen. And luckily for you, sir..
I saw you up there, with me.
I see glimpses of what lies ahead
this is a condition i was left with after the incident.
Speaking of which, I'd take a step or two back if i were you.
Ever had a Deja Vu?
Last a couple of seconds, right? Me..it's been two years.
You don't believe me now, but you will.
Now, if i couldn't see into the future. Then, how could i've made all this?
Mr.Machete, I present to you... the arms for tomorrow.
Pick your fancy.
You picked the only one in the place that's faulty.
I'm sorry, my molecular blaster
doesn't quite work right yet,
keeps turning shit inside out.
Perhaps, this is more your speed anyway.
Retro..yet, high tech.
Demonstration?
You like it? - Yes.
It's yours.
Now, Mr.Machete..if i could cut to the..
I'd like to recruit you.
You already have enough men. -No, not the best. By any means.
How can they be? When you've dominantly played em yourself.
Demonstration.
Good luck.
Ha..ha, Encore. Encore.
or three.
Genetically engineered super soldiers, you see.
Cloned.
Have at 'em.
Just as I predicted! No match..
For the likes of you.
I've created my clones.
Because where I am going, I'm going to need my army.
And that poor dead bastard you've met in Mexico. Zaror? He was my prototype.
But since you've fucked him up like a special at science fair project.
I'm left to regret my choice.
You still haven't told me, Why i am here.
I need a stronger speciment from which to draw on new batch of clone.
So, i was hoping that you, would be doing me that honour. Sir?
There is only one Machete.
But what if they were more?
What if there was an army with enhanced Machetes?
Machete. Machete, everywhere Machete.
You and I, together? Will be a force to be recon with.
I'm sorry. I may have over reacted. But then,
numbnuts was about to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau LeFrig.
No more games.
Disarm him.
- Join me.
Surely, by now.. that i know how all this turns out.
Then, you know i'm taking this.
Oh, and where will you go?
You know, i am the only one that can disarm it.
I'll find someone else.
Oh, good luck with that.
But i think, there's one more little thing that you should know.
Mendez wasn't my only Boogey man.
North Korea, Russia.. I have a Mendez everywhere.
And in a matter of an hour, they're gonna launch on one another.
Throwing the world into, gargantual, unrecoverable anarchy.
The world is fucked. - Why?
This world must end, in order for a more perfect one to emerge.
You like it or not, Mr.Machete. You are coming with me.
Damn, you're good.
Get that bastard.
Try not to get too many of yourselves killed in the process.
My molecule blaster just doesn't work right yet.
Keeps turning shit inside out.
What took you so long? - You're lucky, i came at all.
Oh, we'll meet again Mr.Machete.
I have seen it.
We've been tracking you since the bounty hit the air-wave.
Quite a shit storm you've stirred up down south.
I thought i'd tap in. Can't let you have all the fun.
Hey, I'm sorry about Sartana.
We all are.
She was one of the good ones.
As you can see, the network has gone full scale.
New and improved. All 500,000 extractions.
and counting. When they put up the wall.
We had to up our game. Find funding...
Now, our reach extends all the way to Santi tower.
The rules are the same. You get in, you gotta earn.
The monitor remembers to make sure they're doing their part.
If they are not..
I will deport their asses myself.
Missing..all of them?
MIA - every last one of 'em. One minute they are tearing ass for the border.
The next..
they vanished.
Disappeared, without a trace.
It's like aliens.. abducted by god damn aliens.
You gotta check this out.
This is the surveilance footage we got.
We think, the same douchebag that took you. Took them.
Seems llike he's building some sort of secret weapon.
Possibly, needing the mexicans labours to finish it.
It's in space.
He wants to get there, before the missiles take off.
What missiles? What the fuck are you talking about?
The launch trigger is wired to a biological clock.
We need to find someone to disarm them.
You got anybody in the network?
- Yeah. But you don't like him.
Osiris!
Come on Machete..He's with us.
- Not with me. - He's our only bomb guy.
Wanna choke him out, go ahead.
What's he doing here?
- He came to me about six months ago.
Said, he's changed his tune.
Cabron ain't got no tune.
I know that you'd prefer to see me, with all sorts of dead.
But God has already cursed me for what i did to Padre.
That's why i am here.
To finish your brother's work.
My only redemption is in righting that wrong.
Please, give me mercy. I swear...
I will make it upto you.
- or die, trying.
- i'll have it no other way.
- This is your bomb guy? - You could try the yellow pages.
You better be at somewhere with a shit reception b'cos i've been trying to reach you all damn day.
Where is Mendez? - Dead.
But his heart still beats.
- You're joking, right?
Machete, don't joke.
Humour me, who's got the heart?
- Voz. He is bad news.
Been using Mendez to do all of his dirty works.
- Machete, I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?
Luther Voz may have his hand in a lot of pockets. But he's harmless.
He sponsors my damn pageant for Christ's sake.
You need to alert the president.
Just calm down. Tell me your location...
and we'll talk about this in person.
Better be somewhere else.
Have it your way.
I'm gonna text you a rendevous point after my swimsuit competition.
Who's the bitch?
Handler.
You fucked her?
Yeah, you did.
You got a problem? - Yeah, i got a problem.
When you smell like pussy...
It makes you a pussy whip. When you are pussy whipped, your judgement is cloudy.
It's just a job.
Is that her?
I thought Machete don't text?
Machete loves everybody.
Where are you going? - With you.
Takes a bitch, to make a bitch.
And i smell fish taco.
Tito..Osiris?
Taco time.
What'cha know?
.. I won. - Congratulations.
It's exciting right?
You are looking at the new miss Texas.
Who are they?
Listen, Careno.. I would love to stay and chit chat with you.
But not when there's a live missile inside state lines.
Would you pretty please, get into the car and debrief me on your mission.
How did you know? - Know what?
The missile..that it was here?
Look at you...
smart for an average mexican.
- You work for Voz?
- I promised to turn you over to Voz and Voz promised me the crown.
But i can win.
Oh, Papi i'm sorry.
You and I really could have something.
But i just love killing a good romance.
Make it count.
I knew i smelled a bitch in there, tonight.
Payback is the only bitch that you need to worry about.
This dress cost more than your fucking life!
I always dress to the nine.
I dress to kill.
How many man do we got?
This is The President.
Mr.President, this is Miss San Antonio.
Machete, never shown up to therendezvous.
I just hope that he is still alive.
Fuck it.
Who am I kidding?
I really must hand it to you, Mi Amigo.
You are a difficult man to catch up with.
You have no idea, what i went through to get here.
Hours i spend stranded on the desert highway.
Till this holy rolly break came along.
Lady, please help me.
You and i aren't drug pushing compadres. You'd just derail my pursuit..
so, frankly..i'm leaning on the other direction entirely.
Give me mercy.
There's about three things i'd rather give you.
And they are all on the chamber of this gun.
Straight up or with some flare.
Straight up or flare.
Whatever is the more interesting way to die.
Weirdo.
You know, i rather enjoy my new disguise.
I must apologize for making you dig your own grave.
But i'm not one for hard labour. You on the other hand..being mexican and all
You must be used to it.
Holy fucking...
People, did you see a mexican guy?
Drop it. Before i put this thing in your face..
You have it all wrong.
This is all a big mistake. - The only mistake you made was dancing across the border muchacho.
You don't understand.
I am no mexican.
Don't move your hands, amigo.
Sir, really. Listen to my voice.
Do i sound mexican?
I am from Ontario for fuck's sake.
Canadian and Mexican... Double whammy.
Let's smoke this fool.
Doc Felix needs to see him right away. - Machete.
You are back.
Sorry about the smell.
Did you know an average person pass a gas 14 times a day?
It's true.
Our target..Luther Voz.
The same proper fuck who's been jacking our members.
As we speak, he's got a missile pointed right up our ass.
And since it looks like no one else is gonna stop him;
It's on us.
Machete's mission with Voz has nothing to do with us.
We are the network.
Our Mission is Mexico.
Our mission has changed.
He is right.
I am going alone. - You're not going anywhere, without me Cabron.
No time to argue.
Fuck that.
Let me explain something..Miherte.
This isn't about Mexico, no more.
It's about the world.
No world...no Mexico.
Count me in.
Me too...me too. - Ditto.
VIVA MACHETE!
Looks like it's settled, Machete.
When do we hit him?
- Tonight.
-Network one in position. - network two in position.
Ladies and Gentleman, your host... Mr.Voz.
My fellow travellers, my friends...
I proudly present.. The Millenium One.
Ready to launch right on schedule.
Now, before long...
We'll be transported to heavens on a maiden voyage of a titanic proportions!
And once, the world is purged.
We'll return to bring about.. A new world..TOGETHER!
In a moment, the boarding process will begin. But first, my friends...
prepare for infinity.
Reveal your new selves to me.
Why don't you tell them the truth?
Tell them, you orchestrated all this.
The missiles, the heart...
Would someone please.. help the help. He seems to be lost.
Tell them, if the world ends.
You are the one who ended it.
How can this be? This isn't supppose to be happening.
I never saw this.
Machete happened.
Look, this is no time for second thoughts.
The end is near, I assure you.
For you.
Let's do this.
Well, ladies and gents.. I had hope to have an unhibited evening. But..
now it seems..
Guard!
What in the fuck is that?
I'm more of a cherry bomb, matchstick kinda guy you know.
Semtex..TMT. 50/50 shot on a good day.
But this..
Never mind.. we are alive.
It's a shame. I have to kill you now Mr.Machete.
You gotta go.
Go in style now.
Well now.. what can i say.
I suppose, we both like getting our hands a little dirty.
You can't beat me, you know?
I know your every move.
Even before you do.
Nobody knows Machete.
That's true. Ever since, i've met you..
the future has been more unclear. And that,
that puzzles me.
I assure you i'm every bit as merciless as what you are..
Demonstration
How poetic,
Now you really are the blind, leading the blind.
Alright folks, let's keep it moving. Form a single file line, one after another.
Thank you.
Keep your hands in the strap and hold on tight.
Really?
You're gonna make me kill a blind chick?
The Press could her my crown for that.
That's alright, they will just give it to the next bimbo, who spreads like virus.
Alright, darling.
You wanna tango...
let's tango.
Mano-a-mano Motherfucker.
Watch it now, pussycat.
That's not a very lady like kinda thing to say.
I don't do lady like.
So, what is it? You're just a regular old cranky bitch , with a PMS.
ah..it appears we have a stray.
and where oh where might our mutual aquaintance be at this moment?
Pissing on your study day, you're fucked with the wrong mexican.
Indeed i have. However, in 20 second.. none of them would matter. But you..
you're still in pickle. Anyway, you slice it.
I can't see, but i can still kick your ass.
That's why i'm taking you with me.
This is your captain speaking.
I apologize in advance for the discomfort you may experience during our travel.
But we are unforeseeably overbooked.
So, please hang on.
And try to enjoy the flight.
See you in space, Mr.Machete.
Machete, i got your message.
We were able to stop the other missiles.
Where is that son of a bitch, Voz?
Are you telling me that ... is out there flipping with weapons and shit?
I got a wild idea. Just hear me out.
I can put you, in a space A Rocket. Top of the line.
You go, up in the space...
I'll do it.
Your country thanks you.
Good luck, Machete. Get the Bastard.
Custom Subtitle by Klick3R Sync: Kaffekoppen
MACHETE
WILL RETURN
IN
Machete Kills Again
IN SPACE
I am President Rathcock And I approve, this message.